Thursday, May 30, 2013
Its been a while since I have shared a thought. There used to be a hole where my heart resides. There was a house yet no one was home, there was a chair yet no one was sitting there. There was a hole where my heart resides. God closed it in the most unconventional way...He held me on the cliff overlooking the hole until I stopped fighting the growth.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The difficulty with having a void inside is trying to hard. I overextend myself. I feel like somebody who puts all their money in the stock market only to have one or two stocks pan out. I try desperately to match my actions and words, it would mean the world if I attracted friends who did the same. I want to understand that feelings aren't factual. Especially when it comes to true friendships. I have learned that because I see value in people doesn't mean they are obligated to see value in what I offer them. I am learning to give less until more is given. I will miss the seasonal but seasons change and people aren't perfect but if someone is going to ride with you, they will ride and the wheels will be balanced. I just cannot afford to give me for the sake of a friend. I really have to work on the inside me before I can invite myself into someone else's space. I will try hard for myself not to please the thought of someone else.
I remember being little and learning to ride a bicycle. I remember being terriffed of falling. I remember hitting a parked car and scraping the skin off of both my knees. I remember being loved. I remember being loved once unconditionally. I remember life before self doubt. I remember life before knowing that people want to change you into who they want to be instead of accepting you for who you are. I remember walking to the beat of my own drum and really being okay with it. I remember loving what I saw in the mirror before something in life became broken. I remember, remembering me... again.
The ability to stay focused on whats relevant vs. what is important can be difficult. To ignore the writing on the wall in exchange for the colors we wish to see can be time consuming and troubling. I have to roll with my gut before it is to late. The most difficult thing is to learn to stay out of my feelings... both positive and negative. Right now I am undecided... half of me is comfortable and half of me is uncomfortable. I don't fucking know what to except do,
What I like about this life is growth comes when you least expect it. I spent many hours preparing for, adjusting to, wondering about asinine things such as love, lust, wealth and success. Overlooking the most important factor that my life was written before the first breath was gifted into my lungs. In two weeks my assignment will be gone for the entire Summer, I plan to use this opportunity to grow. I can remember having big plans of falling in love, avoiding lust all the common things in life. I want now to do something different, more tangible. I am not in the market to make new friends nor make room for presently held unhealthy ones. I recently had a conversation with a "friend" and she went on and on about how negative I was, she said I was a hater. Initially I was offended and hurt but I realize sometimes there is a small bit of truth in every negative. I let go of that friendship as it has always taken lots of work and because she went on to divulge that she was at a crossroad and felt everyone was hating on her as well. When we speak without thinking we often forget that words once spoken are impossible to retract. I am mindful of what I saw and how I say it. If I had to compile a short list of goals for the Summer I simply want to get ahead. I am no longer looking for love, lust, friendship, nor the answer to cancer. I simply want to get ahead. Everybody in your life isn't beneficial to your life. Every shoe that looks pretty won't be comfortable for your feet. I am tired of bunching up my toes for a quick pretty fix. I am preparing to laugh, live, love, dance like no one is watching. The fastest route is for me to let go and let God have his way.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
It has been a minute... a far cry from 60 seconds... funny how something as simple as a John Coltrane record arouses my muse. Something about Jazz... it isn't for everybody but it is every body. I won't count the days but I have enjoyed each moment. To hear a muted horn, I have become lost in the call and response.. your soul calls, my soul goes out her way not to answer. Inside we laugh .. I smile, you chuckle. I can say that I do not love you but my heart loathes all that is you. Seemingly I am never luckily in love but I am lucky with love. This isn't that as you are not him and he is not you yet I am me, unconditionally. Slowly I dance in the shower as you rest on the commode. Who showers and shits as though they are a couple blessed to have grown old? Everyday I check my feelings like a reflection in the mirror careful not to over apply or excessively dry out what I have wanted since I laid eyes on the earlier version of you yet knowing you are not him and he is not you yet I am still me... unconditionally.